"Come, tell me how you live," I cried,
"And what it is you do!"

He said "I hunt for haddocks - eyes
Among the heather bright,
And work them into waistcoat-buttons
In the silent night.
And these I do not sell for gold
Or coin of silvery shine
But for a copper halfpenny,
And that will purchase nine.

"I sometimes dig for buttered rolls,
Or set limed twigs for crabs;
I sometimes search the grassy knolls
For wheels of Hansom-cabs.
And that's the way" (he gave a wink)
"By which I get my wealth
And very gladly will I drink
Your Honour's noble health."

I heard him then, for I had just
Completed my design
To keep the Menai bridge from rust
By boiling it in wine.
I thanked much for telling me
The way he got his wealth,
But chiefly for his wish that he
Might drink my noble health.

And not, if e'er by chance I put
My fingers into glue
Or madly squeeze a right-hand foot
Into a left-hand shoe,
Or if I drop upon my toe
A very heavy weight,
I weep, for it reminds me so,
Of that old man I used to know

Whose look was mild, whose speech was slow,
Whose hair was whiter than the snow,
Whose face was very like a crow,
With eyes, like cinders, all aglow,
Who seemed distracted with his woe,
Who rocked his body to and fro,
And muttered mumblingly and low,
As if his mouth were full of dough,
Who snorted like a buffalo
That summer evening, long ago,
A-sitting on a gate.

As the Knight sang the last words of the ballad, he gathered up the
reins, and turned his horse's head along the road by which they had come.
- You've only a few yards to go, - he said, - down the hill and over that
little brook, and then you'll be a Queen - -But you'll stay and see me off
first? - he added as Alice turned with an eager look in the direction to
which he pointed. - I shan't be long. You'll wait and wave your
handkerchief when I get to that turn in the road? I think it'll encourage
me, you see.
- Of course I'll wait, - said Alice: - and thank you very much for
coming so far - and for the song - I liked it very much.
- I hope so, - the Knight said doubtfully: - but you didn't cry so
much as I thought you would.
So they shook hands, and then the Knight rode slowly away into the
forest. - It won't take long to see him OFF, I expect, - Alice said to
herself, as she stood watching him. - There he goes! Right on his head as
usual! However, he gets on again pretty easily - that comes of having so
many things hung round the horse - So she went on talking to herself, as
she watched the horse walking leisurely along the road, and the Knight
tumbling off, first on one side and then on the other. After the fourth or
fifth tumble he reached the turn, and then she waved her handkerchief to
him, and waited till he was out of sight.
- I hope it encouraged him, - she said, as he turned to run down the
hill: - and now for the last brook, and to be a Queen! How grand it
sounds! - A very few steps brought her to the edge of the brook. - The
Eighth Square at last! - she cried as she bounded across,

* * * * * * *
* * * * * *
* * * * * * *

and threw herself down to rest on a lawn as soft as moss, with little
flower-beds dotted about it here and there. - Oh, how glad I am to get
here! And what IS this on my head? - she exclaimed in a tone of dismay, as
she put her hands up to something very heavy, and fitted tight all round
her head.
- But how CAN it have got there without my knowing it? - she said to
herself, as she lifted it off, and set it on her lap to make out what it
could possibly be.
It was a golden crown.


CHAPTER IX

Queen Alice

- Well, this IS grand! - said Alice. - I never expected I should be a
Queen so soon - and I'll tell you what it is, your majesty, - she went on
in a severe tone (she was always rather fond of scolding herself), - it'll
never do for you to be lolling about on the grass like that! Queens have
to be dignified, you know!
So she got up and walked about - rather stiffly just at first, as she
was afraid that the crown might come off: but she comforted herself with
the thought that there was nobody to see her, - and if I really am a
Queen, - she said as she sat down again, - I shall be able to manage it
quite well in time.
Everything was happening so oddly that she didn't feel a bit
surprised at finding the Red Queen and the White Queen sitting close to
her, one on each side: she would have like very much to ask them how they
came there, but she feared it would not be quite civil. However, there
would be no harm, she thought, in asking if the game was over. - Please,
would you tell me - she began, looking timidly at the Red Queen.
- Speak when you're spoken to! - The Queen sharply interrupted her.
- But if everybody obeyed that rule, - said Alice, who was always
ready for a little argument, - and if you only spoke when you were spoken
to, and the other person always waited for YOU to begin, you see nobody
would ever say anything, so that
- Ridiculous! - cried the Queen. - Why, don't you see, child - here
she broke off with a frown, and, after thinking for a minute, suddenly
changed the subject of the conversation. - What do you mean by - If you
really are a Queen"? What right have you to all yourself so? You can't be
a Queen, you know, till you've passed the proper examination. And the
sooner we begin it, the better.
- I only said "if"! - poor Alice pleaded in a piteous tone. The two
Queens looked at each other, and the Red Queen remarked, with
a little shudder, - She SAYS she only said "if"
- But she said a great deal more than that! - the White Queen moaned,
wringing her hands. - Oh, ever so much more than that!
- So you did, you know, - the Red Queen said to Alice. - Always speak
the truth - think before you speak - and write it down afterwards.
- I'm sure I didn't mean - Alice was beginning, but the Red Queen
interrupted her impatiently.
- That's just what I complain of! You SHOULD have meant! What do you
suppose is the use of child without any meaning? Even a joke should have
some meaning - and a child's more important than a joke, I hope. You
couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.
- I don't deny things with my HANDS, - Alice objected.
- Nobody said you did, - said the Red Queen. - I said you couldn't if
you tried.
- She's in that state of mind, - said the White Queen, - that she
wants to deny SOMETHING - only she doesn't know what to deny!
- A nasty, vicious temper, - the Red Queen remarked; and then there
was an uncomfortable silence for a minute or two.
The Red Queen broke the silence by saying to the White Queen, - I
invite you to Alice's dinner-party this afternoon.
The White Queen smiled feebly, and said - And I invite YOU. - I
didn't know I was to have a party at all, - said Alice; - but if
there is to be one, I think _I_ ought to invite the guests.
- We gave you the opportunity of doing it, - the Red Queen remarked:
- but I daresay you've not had many lessons in manners yet?
- Manners are not taught in lessons, - said Alice. - Lessons teach
you to do sums, and things of that sort.
- And you do Addition? - the White Queen asked. - What's one and one
and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?
- I don't know, - said Alice. - I lost count.
- She can't to Addition, - the Red Queen interrupted. - Can you do
Subtraction? Take nine from eight.
- Nine from eight I can't, you know, - Alice replied very readily: -
but
- She can't do Subtraction, - said the White Queen. - Can you do
Division? Divide a loaf by a knife - what's the answer to that?
- I suppose - Alice was beginning, but the Red Queen answered for
her. - Bread-and-butter, of course. Try another Subtraction sum. Take a
bone from a dog: what remains?
Alice considered. - The bone wouldn't remain, of course, if I took it
- and the dog wouldn't remain; it would come to bite me - and I'm sure I
shouldn't remain!
- Then you think nothing would remain? - said the Red Queen.
- I think that's the answer.
- Wrong, as usual, - said the Red Queen: - the dog's temper would
remain.
- But I don't see how
- Why, look here! - the Red Queen cried. - The dog would lose its
temper, wouldn't it?
- Perhaps it would, - Alice replied cautiously.
- Then it the dog went away, its temper would remain! - the Queen
exclaimed triumphantly.
Alice said, as gravely as she could, - They might go different ways.
- But she couldn't help thinking to herself, - What dreadful nonsense we
ARE talking!
- She can't do sums a BIT! - the Queens said together, with great
emphasis.
- Can YOU do sums? - Alice said, turning suddenly on the White Queen,
for she didn't like being found fault with so much.
The Queen gasped and shut her eyes. - I can do Addition, - if you
give me time - but I can do Subtraction, under ANY circumstances!
- Of course you know your A B C? - said the Red Queen.
- To be sure I do. - said Alice.
- So do I, - the White Queen whispered: - we'll often say it over
together, dear. And I'll tell you a secret - I can read words of one
letter! Isn't THAT grand! However, don't be discouraged. You'll come to it
in time.
Here the Red Queen began again. - Can you answer useful questions?
she said. - How is bread made?
- I know THAT! - Alice cried eagerly. - You take some flour
- Where do you pick the flower? - the White Queen asked. - In a
garden, or in the hedges?
- Well, it isn't PICKED at all, - Alice explained: - it's GROUND
- How many acres of ground? - said the White Queen. - You mustn't
leave out so many things.
- Fan her head! - the Red Queen anxiously interrupted. - She'll be
feverish after so much thinking. - So they set to work and fanned her with
bunches of leaves, till she had to beg them to leave off, it blew her hair
about so.
- She's all right again now, - said the Red Queen. - Do you know
Languages? What's the French for fiddle-de-dee?
- Fiddle-de-dee's not English, - Alice replied gravely.
- Who ever said it was? - said the Red Queen. Alice thought she saw a
way out of the difficulty this time. - If
you'll tell me what language "fiddle-de-dee" is, I'll tell you the French
for it! - she exclaimed triumphantly.
But the Red Queen drew herself up rather stiffly, and said - Queens
never make bargains.
- I wish Queens never asked questions, - Alice thought to herself.
- Don't let us quarrel, - the White Queen said in an anxious tone. -
What is the cause of lightning?
- The cause of lightning, - Alice said very decidedly, for she felt
quite certain about this, - is the thunder - no, no! - she hastily
corrected herself. - I meant the other way.
- It's too late to correct it, - said the Red Queen: - when you've
once said a thing, that fixes it, and you must take the consequences.
- Which reminds me - the White Queen said, looking down and nervously
clasping and unclasping her hands, - we had SUCH a thunderstorm last
Tuesday - I mean one of the last set of Tuesdays, you know.
Alice was puzzled. - In OUR country, - she remarked, - there's only
one day at a time.
The Red Queen said, - That's a poor thin way of doing things. Now
HERE, we mostly have days and nights two or three at a time, and sometimes
in the winter we take as many as five nights together for warmth, you
know.
- Are five nights warmer than one night, then? - Alice ventured to
ask.
- Five times as warm, of course.
- But they should be five times as COLD, by the same rule
- Just so! - cried the Red Queen. - Five times as warm, AND five
times as cold - just as I'm five times as rich as you are, AND five times
as clever!
Alice sighted and gave it up. - It's exactly like a riddle with no
answer! - she thought.
- Humpty Dumpty saw it too, - the White Queen went on in a low voice,
more as if she were talking to herself. - He came to the door with a
corkscrew in his hand
- What did he want? - said the Red Queen.
- He said he WOULD come in, - the White Queen went on, - because he
was looking for a hippopotamus. Now, as it happened, there wasn't such a
thing in the house, that morning.
- Is there generally? - Alice asked in an astonished tone.
- Well, only on Thursdays, - said the Queen.
- I know what he came for, - said Alice: - he wanted to punish the
fish, because
Here the White Queen began again. - It was SUCH a thunderstorm, you
can't think! - (She NEVER could you know, - said the Red Queen.) - And
part of the roof came off, and ever so much thunder got in - and it went
rolling round the room in great lumps -and knocking over the tables and
things - till I was so frightened, I couldn't remember my own name!
Alice thought to herself, - I never should TRY to remember my name in
the middle of an accident! Where would be the use of it? - but she did not
say this aloud, for fear of hurting the poor Queen's feeling.
- Your Majesty must excuse her, - the Red Queen said to Alice, taking
one of the White Queen's hands in her own, and gently stroking it: - she
means well, but she can't help saying foolish things, as a general rule.
The White Queen looked timidly at Alice, who felt she OUGHT to say
something kind, but really couldn't think of anything at the moment.
- She never was really well brought up, - the Red Queen went on: -
but it's amazing how good-tempered she is! Pat her on the head, and see
how pleased she'll be! - But this was more than Alice had courage to do.
- A little kindness - and putting her hair in papers - would do
wonders with her
The White Queen gave a deep sigh, and laid her head on Alice's
shoulder. - I AM so sleepy? - she moaned.
- She's tired, poor thing! - said the Red Queen. - Smooth her hair
lend her your nightcap - and sing her a soothing lullaby.
- I haven't got a nightcap with me, - said Alice, as she tried to
obey the first direction: - and I don't know any soothing lullabies."
- I must do it myself, then, - said the Red Queen, and she began:

- Hush-a-by lady, in Alice's lap!
Till the feast's ready, we've time for a nap:
When the feast's over, we'll go to the ball
Red Queen, and White Queen, and Alice, and all!

- And now you know the words, - she added, as she put her head down
on Alice's other shoulder, - just sing it through to ME. I'm getting
sleepy, too. - In another moment both Queens were fast asleep, and snoring
loud.
- What AM I to do? exclaimed Alice, looking about in great
perplexity, as first one round head, and then the other, rolled down from
her shoulder, and lay like a heavy lump in her lap. - I don't thing it
EVER happened before, that any one had to take care of two Queens asleep
at once! No, not in all the History of England - it couldn't, you know,
because there never was more than one Queen at a time. Do wake up, you
heavy things! - she went on in an impatient tone; but there was no answer
but a gentle snoring.
The snoring got more distinct every minute, and sounded more like a
tune: at last she could even make out the words, and she listened so
eagerly that, when the two great heads vanished from her lap, she hardly
missed them.
She was standing before an arched doorway over which were the words
QUEEN ALICE in large letters, and on each side of the arch there was a
bell-handle; one was marked - Visitors - Bell, - and the other - Servants
- Bell.
- I'll wait till the song's over, - thought Alice, - and then I'll
ring - the - WHICH bell must I ring? - she went on, very much puzzled by
the names. - I'm not a visitor, and I'm not a servant. There OUGHT to be
one marked "Queen," you know
Just then the door opened a little way, and a creature with a long
beak put its head out for a moment and said - No admittance till the week
after next! - and shut the door again with a bang.
Alice knocked and rang in vain for a long time, but at last, a very
old Frog, who was sitting under a tree, got up and hobbled slowly towards
her: he was dressed in bright yellow, and had enormous boots on.
- What is it, now? - the Frog said in a deep hoarse whisper. Alice
turned round, ready to find fault with anybody. - Where's the
servant whose business it is to answer the door? - she began angrily.
- Which door? - said the Frog. Alice almost stamped with irritation
at the slow drawl in which he
spoke. - THIS door, of course!
The Frog looked at the door with his large dull eyes for a minute:
then he went nearer and rubbed it with his thumb, as if he were trying
whether the paint would come off; then he looked at Alice.
- To answer the door? - he said. - What's it been asking of? - He was
so hoarse that Alice could scarcely hear him.
- I don't know what you mean, - she said.
- I talks English, doesn't I? - the Frog went on. - Or are you deaf?
What did it ask you?
- Nothing! - Alice said impatiently. - I've been knocking at it!
- Shouldn't do that - shouldn't do that - the Frog muttered. - Wexes
it, you know. - Then he went up and gave the door a kick with one of his
great feet. - You let IT alone, - he panted out, as he hobbled back to his
tree, - and it'll let YOU alone, you know.
At this moment the door was flung open, and a shrill voice was heard
singing:

- To the Looking-Glass world it was Alice that said,
"I've a sceptre in hand, I've a crown on my head;
Let the Looking-Glass creatures, whatever they be,
Come and dine with the Red Queen, the White Queen, and me."

And hundreds of voices joined in the chorus:

- Then fill up the glasses as quick as you can,
And sprinkle the table with buttons and bran:
Put cats in the coffee, and mice in the tea
And welcome Queen Alice with thirty-times-three!

Then followed a confused noise of cheering, and Alice thought to
herself, - Thirty times three makes ninety. I wonder if any one's
counting? - In a minute there was silence again, and the same shrill voice
sang another verse;

- "O Looking-Glass creatures," quothe Alice, "draw near!
'Tis and honour to see me, a favour to hear:
'Tis a privilege high to have dinner and tea
Along with the Red Queen, the White Queen, and me!"

Then came the chorus again:

- Then fill up the glasses with treacle and ink,
Or anything else that is pleasant to drink:
Mix sand with the cider, and wool with the wine
And welcome Queen Alice with ninety-times-nine!

- Ninety times nine! - Alice repeated in despair, - Oh, that'll never
be done! I'd better go in at once - and there was a dead silence the
moment she appeared.
Alice glanced nervously along the table, as she walked up the large
hall, and noticed that there were about fifty quests, of all kinds: some
were animals, some birds, and there were even a few flowers among them. -
I'm glad they've come without waiting to be asked, - she thought: - I
should never have known who were the right people to invite!
There were three chairs at the head of the table; the Red and White
Queens had already taken two of them, but the middle one was empty. Alice
sat down in it, rather uncomfortable in the silence, and longing for some
one to speak.
At last the Red Queen began. - You've missed the soup and fish, - she
said. - Put on the joint! - And the waiters set a leg of mutton before
Alice, who looked at it rather anxiously, as she had never had to carve a
joint before.
- You look a little shy; let me introduce you to that leg of mutton,
- said the Red Queen. - Alice - Mutton; Mutton - Alice. - The leg of
mutton got up in the dish and made a little bow to Alice; and Alice
returned the bow, not knowing whether to be frightened or amused.
- May I give you a slice? - she said, taking up the knife and fork,
and looking from one Queen to the other.
- Certainly not, - the Red Queen, very decidedly: - it isn't
etiquette to cut any one you've been introduced to. Remove the joint! -
And the waiters carried it off, and brought a large plum-pudding in its
place.
- I won't be introduced to the pudding, please, - Alice said rather
hastily, - or shall we get no dinner at all. May I give you some?
But the Red Queen looked sulky, and growled - Pudding - Alice; Alice
- Pudding. Remove the pudding! - and the waiters took it always so quickly
that Alice couldn't return its bow.
However, she didn't see why the Red Queen should be the only one to
give orders, so, as an experiment, she called out - Waiter! Bring back the
pudding! - and there it was again in a moment like a conjuring-trick. It
was so large that she couldn't help feeling a LITTLE shy with it, as she
had been with the mutton; however, she conquered her shyness by a great
effort and cut a slice and handed it to the Red Queen.
- What impertinence! - said the Pudding. - I wonder how you'd like
it, if I were to cut a slice out of YOU, you creature!
- It spoke in a thick, suety sort of voice, and Alice hadn't a word
to say in reply: she could only sit and look at it and gasp.
- Make a remark, - said the Red Queen: - it's ridiculous to leave all
the conversation to the pudding!
- Do you know, I've had such a quantity of poetry repeated to me
to-day, - Alice began, a little frightened at finding that, the moment she
opened her lips, there was dead silence, and all eyes were fixed upon her;
- and it's a very curious thing, I think -every poem was about fishes in
some way. Do you know why they're so fond of fishes, all about here?
She spoke to the Red Queen, whose answer was a little wide of the
mark. - As to fishes, - she said, very slowly and solemnly, putting her
mouth close to Alice's ear, - her White Majesty knows a lovely riddle -
all in poetry - all about fishes. Shall she repeat it?
- Her Red Majesty's very kind to mention it, - the White Queen
murmured into Alice's other ear, in a voice like the cooing of a pigeon. -
It would be SUCH a treat! May I?
- Please do, - Alice said very politely. The White Queen laughed with
delight, and stroked Alice's cheek. Then
she began:

- "First, the fish must be caught.
That is easy: a baby, I think, could have caught it.
"Next, the fish must be bought.
That is easy: a penny, I think, would have bought it.

"Now cook me the fish!
That is easy, and will not take more than a minute.
Let it lie in a dish!"
That is easy, because it already is in it.

"Bring it here! Let me sup!"
It is easy to set such a dish on the table.
"Take the dish-cover up!
Ah, THAT is so hard that I fear I'm unable!

For it holds it like glue
Holds the lid to the dish, while it lies in the middle:
Which is easiest to do,
Un-dish-cover the fish, or dishcover the riddle?

- Take a minute to think about it, and then guess, - said the Red
Queen. - Meanwhile, we'll drink your health - Queen Alice's health! she
screamed at the top of her voice, and all the guests began drinking it
directly, and very queerly they managed it: some of them put their glasses
upon their heads like extinguishers, and drank all that trickled down
their faces -others upset the decanters, and drank the wine as it ran off
the edges of the table - and three of them (who looked like kangaroos)
scrambled into the dish of roast mutton, and began eagerly lapping up the
gravy, - just like pigs in a trough! thought Alice.
- You ought to return thanks in a neat speech, - the Red Queen said,
frowning at Alice as she spoke.
- We must support you, you know, - the White Queen whispered, as
Alice got up to do it, very obediently, but a little frightened.
- Thank you very much, - she whispered in reply, - but I can do quite
well without.
- That wouldn't be at all the thing, - the Red Queen said very
decidedly: so Alice tried to submit to it with a good grace.
(And they DID push so! - she said afterwards, when she was telling
her sister the history of the feast. - You would have thought they wanted
to squeeze me flat!')
In fact it was rather difficult for her to keep in her place while
she made her speech: the two Queens pushed her so, one on each side, that
they nearly lifted her up into the air: - I rise to return thanks - Alice
began: and she really DID rise as she spoke, several inches; but she got
hold of the edge of the table, and managed to pull herself down again.
- Take care of yourself! - screamed the White Queen, seizing Alice's
hair with both her hands. - Something's going to happen!
And then (as Alice afterwards described it) all sorts of thing
happened in a moment. The candles all grew up to the ceiling, looking
something like a bed of rushes with fireworks at the top. As to the
bottles, they each took a pair of plates, which they hastily fitted on as
wings, and so, with forks for legs, went fluttering about in all
directions: - and very like birds they look, - Alice thought to herself,
as well as she could in the dreadful confusion that was beginning.
At this moment she heard a hoarse laugh at her side, and turn to see
what was the matter with the White Queen; but, instead of the Queen, there
was the leg of mutton sitting in the chair. - Here I am! cried a voice
from the soup tureen, and Alice turned again, just in time to see the
Queen's broad good-natured face grinning at the for a moment over the edge
of the tureen, before she disappeared into the soup.
There was not a moment to be lost. Already several of the guests were
lying down in the dishes, and the soup ladle was walking up the table
towards Alice's chair, and beckoning to her impatiently to get out of its
way.
- I can't stand this any longer! - she cried as she jumped up and
seized the table-cloth with both hands: one good pull, and plates, dishes,
guests, and candles came crashing down together in a heap on the floor.
- And as for YOU, - she went on, turning fiercly upon the Red Queen,
who she considered as the cause of all the mischief - but the Queen was no
longer at her side - she had suddenly dwindled down to the size of a
little doll, and was now on the table, merrily running round and round
after her own shawl, which was trailing behind her.
At any other time, Alice would have felt surprised at this, but she
was far too much excited to be surprised at anything NOW. - As for YOU, -
she repeated, catching hold of the little creature in the very act of
jumping over a bottle which had just lighted upon the table, - I'll shake
you into a kitten, that I will!




CHAPTER X

Shaking

She took her off the table as she spoke, and shook her backwards and
forwards with all her might.
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